There is something amazing about the raw amount of earnest inventors' wares and categorically disposable bric-a-brac that packs the pages of the complementary Skymall catalogue. For me, it really beats out any kind of entertainment I could have thought to bring onboard a plane.
Look! An automatic mini-donut machine shares a page with an unwieldy vintage popcorn cart for your den. There! A hand-painted Sasquatch Garden Sentry rubs shoulders with Successories(tm) motivational workplace posters.The Marshmallow Shooter (TM). The Backyard Dog Agility Course. A perplexing masthead "The Greatest Gift: is to help others help themselves" precedes "CHIA PET meets PET ROCK meets LAVA LAMP. . .meets SURF ANTS!" And yes please, I WOULD like to know "Why You Need a Watch Winder!"
Tools to pamper your dog to within an embarrassing inch of its vest-wearing life. Tools to ultrasonically drive away other people's vest-wearing dogs.
I don't know if there's something about the brain being under cabin pressure that makes it lose all consumer reasoning. Do people actually make the leap and purchase an LED nose hair trimmer (bulb good for over 14,000 trimmings) at 35000 feet? Part of me likes to think they do. And even though I abhor the deleterious environmental ruin that all this yard sale fodder eventually causes, I am delighted beyond measure to read about the existence of a personalized monogram-shaped steak-brander or the Civilized Butler Awakening Device ("This alarm clock wakes you first with the sound of gentle birdsong, then a discreet cough and comforting words "Good morning, Sir" (or Madam)").
Why don't we have a closer look at some of the Hollywood tie-ins in this issue:
The BATARANG(tm) Money Clip
Measures 4 inches open. Die cast with magnetic folding mechanism. $39.00
If you are a grown person with enough personal income to require a money clip and a credit card to purchase said device, you had better pray to Thor that there is a superhero in proximity to rescue you from the uncountable beatings you will inevitably receive when using this in public.
...and from the Treasures Inspired by the World of Harry Potter page:
HARRY POTTER's Wand
Wand measures 14 inches in length. Collector box included. $35.00
Nothing more accurately says "I'm not having intimate relationships" than this withered metaphor in its generously sized display case. I believe the name of the first spell you are going to learn to cast with it is Level 4 Loneliness.
If we can endeavour to form some sort of profile on the average Skymall shopper, we would have to conclude that they have an unmanageable amount of pets & portable music devices, own an inground pool and, above all, suffer from a debilitating array of malaise and allergy. Identifying symptoms likely include, but are not limited to: tired feet, cracked heels, fallen arches, insomnia, snoring, dark eye circles, male pattern baldness, forgetfulness, body odor, misaligned spine, skin infections, unwanted moustache, poor circulation, back bulges, inability to remember the day of the week, and a hypersensitivity to electromagnetic radiation whilst playing golf. If all this is true, maybe the real Skymall shopper is on their deathbed, scrambling to spend every cent of their life savings, finding occasional solace in the patch of scrubby garden visible from their cot, now lorded over by a handsome die-cast Yeti.
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